Mrs Cheddar
Runs the household, the gossip and, quietly, Cheddar.
“I haven't met him. I don't need to. I've seen his handwriting.”
SOLD
The greatest story never told…begins.
Our Gnus Reporter is standing by outside the bar, microphone ready for the first scoop.
Somebody has bought the GnuTown Bar. It's been chained up for months, the For Sale sign now has a sticker on it, and nobody knows who the new owner is. Nobody except the mouse.
Resident since
Thirty years ago
Cheddar
“I've seen four landlords, two floods and one deeply regrettable karaoke machine. This new one? Oh, he's different.”
Cheddar has lived behind the skirting board for thirty years. He was watching when the new owner signed the papers. He knows exactly who it was. He's just not telling. Yet.
The family behind the skirting board
Cheddar doesn't live alone. Thirty years is long enough to start a family, and long enough for that family to have opinions about the new owner.
The mini Cheddars
The bar's resident act, by their own appointment.
“We've been rehearsing for opening night since Tuesday. Nobody asked us. That's never stopped us.”
Pinned up by the regulars
The notice board by the door. Nobody has taken anything down in thirty years, according to Cheddar, and somebody has been adding to it this week.
The Edinburgh Evening Gnus
Tuesday
Late edition
Price 50p
Mystery buyer snaps up GnuTown Bar
The landmark bar, chained shut since spring, was sold this week to an unnamed buyer.
The agent declined to comment, except to say the buyer paid in coins.
A long-standing resident of the building said only: “No comment. Yet.”
SOLD
Tues night. Who did this??
Overheard (by C.)
– paid in cash. Small change. ALL of it
– van outside, Mexican plates
– somebody measured the door. For horns.
– wine list. In French!
GnuTown Bar
EDINBURGH
Quiz night is NOT cancelled
– Ochaye
LOST
One very small microphone. Answers to “testing, testing”. Reward: a private performance.
– the minis
Read all about it. Soon.
The wall of regulars
Nobody has dusted these in years. Every regular gets a portrait, some are too grimy to make out, and a new face is cleaned up every week. Instagram sees it first.
Cheddar
Behind the skirting board
Mrs Cheddar
Also behind the skirting board
The mini Cheddars
Rehearsing, loudly
Gnu Sam
“World needs Gnu!”
Gnus Reporter
On the scene. Always.
Name withheld
Arrived with a surfboard. In Edinburgh.
Name withheld
Brings his own mushrooms.
Name withheld
Has a twin. Allegedly.
Founding Regulars
Be a regular before the doors open. The first run is marked as a founding edition, and nobody else can say they were here first.
Founding edition
Cheddar, resident since forever
Framed art print
[Price]
Add to basket
“World needs Gnu!”
Framed art print of Gnu Sam
[Price]
Add to basket
Mrs Cheddar takes tea
Framed art print
[Price]
Add to basket
Founding edition
The regulars’ beer mats
Set of six, printed card
[Price]
Add to basket
Printed to order, so nothing sits in a warehouse
Shipped from the UK and EU
Secure checkout
“World needs Gnu!”
It's going to need some Gnu love.
This is the inside, the morning after the sale. Cobwebs on the taps, dust on the bar, a jukebox nobody has switched on in years, and an apple on the table that nobody can explain. Whoever bought this place has his work cut out.
Watch it come back to life, one room at a time.
Follow the clean-up on InstagramVacancy
Customers required
Apply within. No experience necessary.
Successful applicants get a seat on opening night, the first to hear who bought the bar, and first dibs on merch and new games. One email a fortnight, written by Cheddar.
Delivered by the GnusLetter.
By order of the management. Whoever that is.
night